I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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