Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
