you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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