Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
cat food counts as protein by the way
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW