saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher