I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
