she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
