My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
