Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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