everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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