Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
