we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
