after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
