I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
