I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
