I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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