Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
