Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
