Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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