Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
