The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
