Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
