I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
