I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
