once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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