there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
