At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
