stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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