Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
