I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you never un-have a 4some
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
