Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
