What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
