So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
