LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
