remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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