I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
