This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
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Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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