Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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