I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
