I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
