So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
