i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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