I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish I only lived at night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
