I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
