one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
