well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
