moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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