We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
