Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
