If you die in college, do you die in real life?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
