I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
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I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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