Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
