Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
