she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
