Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We need to rekindle our bromance
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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