Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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