Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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