so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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